GuerrilleroHeroico's News

Recently, one of my friends tried to commit suicide. I guess that she's more than a friend. She called me and only me and said that she was sorry and wished that she could have spent more time with me. I called her and talked to her for the police, who eventually found her. She gave up because "it hurt too much". I don't know how she planned to do it. She spent the next few days in a mental hospital.

I told one of my other friends, and the incredibly useless advice he gave me went something like this: if she was going to do it, she wouldn't have said anything you, and if she really wanted to commit suicide nothing would stop her. These are common beliefs but they're complete bullshit. Everywhere I looked- suicide prevention websites, psychological writings, etc. stated exactly the opposite.

People that commit suicide in any form generally give plenty of warning signs. The reason why some people don't follow through is because the goal of suicide is to escape pain. In other words, the suicidal person usually wants to live and is very conflicted about suicide. However, they feel as if death is truly the only way to escape their mental pain.

What does this mean? Those that believe the above myths are selfish. They say to themselves "she won't commit suicide if she talks about it, she's just being dramatic" because they're selfish and it allows them to ignore it when she talks about killing herself. If or when she does do it, they say "well, nothing could have stopped her from committing suicide" because they're selfish and it makes them feel better about doing nothing to prevent it. It's either that or they're completely misinformed, or they hold their own opinions higher than scientific fact. It doesn't matter. They're all selfish.

I can understand why she'd want to die. Her parents don't give a fuck about her problems. They just brush them off as if it doesn't matter. Why are people so fucking selfish?

You can say that it's in our nature all day, but they have a choice. They have a choice and they made a choice.

The same thing happens with school shooters. The reason people want to solve the problem by banning guns, video games, or violent media, is because none of those solutions require the selfish bastards to do anything proactive. All they have to do is say that something they don't use themselves should be banned, and then they can pretend as if they're helping solve the problem.

None of those three things cause school shootings. School shooters almost all have a few things in common. Almost all were mentally ill in some way. Almost all were depressed and taking some sort of antidepressant. Most important, they did not "snap". They take long roads towards violence, almost always leaving warning signs in the process. People ignore these warning signs, or react the wrong way. They don't reach out, they alienate. Hence the persecution complexes that are common with school shooters, even if they weren't actually bullied. People need to realize that this is a psychological problem. This is a mental health problem. This is a public health problem. It's not a matter of the just being "bad" people. Take a fucking hint.

Suicide is preventable. School shootings are preventable. So many things are preventable. The biggest lie people tell themselves is that they can't help anyone. They say this, again, because they're selfish. They say this even if it's absolutely proven that these things are preventable. They don't do anything. They leave people alone.

I tried to help her. I spent a long time talking to her. She decided not to commit suicide because the method she tried was too painful, not because of what I said. That is good, I'd hate to think that anyone lives only for me. I like to think that I helped her though.

Still people try to tell me that I should look out only for myself, when it's clear that I am more than capable of providing for my needs and wants while still helping. Why? Allowing someone to die because of what you want must be the ultimate selfishness. I know I can only help people that reciprocate, but, contrary to popular belief, there are people that are selfless enough to both receive help and give it themselves.

Still, I don't know. Today a pulled a 12 gauge shotgun shell out of my drawer and held it up to my head, and said aloud "it would be that easy". I went under my father's bed and pulled out four shotguns. First I held the .410 that I killed my first deer with. I'm very fond of it. Next I held my 12 gauge. I thought about holding it up to my head but I became nervous. I checked to see if it was loaded. Of course it wasn't, but maybe pointing it at my own head still would have represented something. It would mean that I'm one step closer. I can't die now.

I still like to believe that I'm improving. I like to believe that my outlook on life has improved. I like to believe that I'm happier and more confident now. Maybe I'm still moving forward and never going to stop. It doesn't matter. I'm not in enough mental pain to seriously contemplate suicide anymore. What I don't understand is why it still comes to my mind every day.

That's one of the things I tried to tell her. I shared my story about contemplating suicide to let her know that she's not alone. Who was I kidding? Even though both of our experiences involve suicide they're nothing alike. I never actually got to the point of attempting it. I never stepped out the window or loaded the gun. I can't possibly imagine what she's been through, or what anyone like her has been through. I can't even comprehend the collective pain of the happier people that I know, because everyone is so miserable.

Being alone is so miserable. The world truly is a miserable place. I can't help thinking that I lost something a long time ago. I don't know what the point is to anything or believe in anything anymore. I feel as if I lost something when I was a small child, and then lost something again when I tried to change. I've forgotten things multiple times. I have no personal reason to live. By that I mean I'm alive because of my obligations and not because of myself. I don't live for myself.

Whatever happens, I'll always be truly alone. Even if I'm with her. Even if I'm with my friends. Even if I find someone that I love more than anything I've ever loved. Everyone's always more alone than ever when they're with people because they can't be themselves. There's walls between people and they can't understand each other.

I should take comfort in the fact that my basic needs are satisfied etc. but it only depresses me. It depresses me because I know that most people in the world are worse off than what I know. It depresses me because I don't deserve to even have my basic needs satisfied. I'm not worthy of the life that I was born into.

I'll never forget that we're nothing but animals. No one truly gives a fuck about anything and nothing that we do matters. There's no point to writing this, other than to vent my emotions. I've been emotional lately. I don't even know if it will mean anything to anyone or if it has a coherent message, but I just don't give a fuck anymore.

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